Funnys!

[low200]

LOLLERSKATES!!!!^^^^^

[race_snooze]

And this is why parents drink!!!!!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his

bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,

propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With

the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read

the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and

you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,

tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older

than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more

children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't

really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it

with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the

meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get

better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday

I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your

grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just

wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the

report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.Call me when it's safe to come home

[race_snooze]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the NRMA is not an option. I will win.

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will lift the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

__________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it... though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator... (applies to engineers mainly).

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,motorcycles, sex, sports or sex or multiples of these. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

__________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

__________________________________________

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

[race_snooze]

>Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an

important

>meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he

said,

>"son of rajab take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass

>every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

>

>Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

>

>Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[race_snooze]

It’s sooooo dry in Australia that .

+ HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.

+ The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.

+ We're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke

+ You're only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.

+ The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.

+ Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.

+ I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.

+ Jesus has turned the wine into water

+ Philip Ruddock says that the so called children overboard fiasco wasn’t a lie, it was so they could walk to Australia .

+ Everyone is now an expert - because you can't find anyone who is wet

behind the ears .

+ All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.

+ I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

+ All the Baptists have become Anglicans.

+ When my daughter fainted it took three buckets of sand to bring her around.

+ I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.

+ All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.

+ Some of the 4WDs in Toorak have actually got dust on them.

[race_snooze]

> >Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,

> >doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.....

> >

> >Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

> >

> >One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim

> >suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool

> >and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the

> >bottom and pulled Jim out.

> >

> >When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she

> >immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now

> >considered her to be mentally stable.

> >

> >When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news

> >and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were

> >able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the

> >life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays

> >sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom

> >with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but

> >he's dead."

> >

> >Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

> >

> >How soon can I go home?"

[race_snooze]

*NEW NUDIST*

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day

there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets

an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him

and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule

here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a

towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge,

hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call

for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?"says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,

it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him

around, over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is

greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key

back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.

You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an

erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

[low200]

A precious little girls walks into a pet shop and asks "excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeepers heart melts, he kneels down to her level and says "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fuffy bwack wabbit or one like that bwown wabbit over there?"

The girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, put her hands on her knees and leans forward and whispers...

"I dont really fink my pyfon gives phuk."

[Baconer]

hopefully this hasnt been posted already:

"When girls don't put out"

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.lol

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Edited April 19, 2007 by Baconer

[leech_]

yea posted by shauno i think a while ago baconer but still one of the funniest ones i have ever read.

[race_snooze]

still cracks me up every time...

[Billishere]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for

the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes

at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only

logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and

I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is

worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!

Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.

The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run

as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.

I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.

He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man

with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

[low200]

A teacher says to her class of 6 year olds: "can anyone use a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?"

Little Sally sticks her hand up and says "My mum said that when I had measles, I was very contagious"

The teacher says "well done! can anyone else come up with a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?"

Jonny sticks his hand up and says "My dad saw our neighbour painting his house and said "it'll take that contagious"

[Sauce]

This thread is providing me with some good lols on a boring day at work :laughing-smiley-014:

[datto260Z]

So is Baconer's avatar the kid eating it is gold (yes im sick)

[Billishere]

This is good ...... keep you entertained for hours, a game for all ages.

http://www.SameSame.com.au/yesprimeminister

[Baconer]

So is Baconer's avatar the kid eating it is gold (yes im sick)

haha, the full clip is on break, makes an awesome thud from memory

[datto260Z]

http://www.break.com/index/kid_faceplants_into_wall.html

Yeh, i thought he got knocked out though. Yeh like I said im sick

[race_snooze]

>> > She married and had 13 children.

>> >

>> > Her husband died.

>> >

>> > She married again and had 7 more children.

>> >

>> > Her second husband died

>> >

>> > She married again and had 5 more children.

>> >

>> > Her third husband died.

>> >

>> > And, alas, she finally died too.

>> >

>> > At her funeral and standing by her coffin

>> >

>> > the preacher prayed for her.

>> >

>> > He thanked the son of rajab for this very loving women

>> >

>> > and said

>> >

>> > "son of rajab, they're finally together".

>> >

>> > One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

>> >

>> >

>> "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?

>> >

>> > The friend replied, "I think he means her legs".

[S T A R 3 3]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it.