Funnys!

[race_snooze]

come on tell us then....

[datto260Z]

Its at the bottom of his post. I dont get it though

[race_snooze]

fox (hot chick) elephant (fat chick)

[S T A R 3 3]

... i give up.

[race_snooze]

Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had R2.00

between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large

sausage.

Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".

Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".

They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of

Jack Daniels.

Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will

be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get

down on your knees and put it in your mouth ."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them

out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk - all for

free.

At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this

anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD BAR!"

[low200]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Tennessee arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down . and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers .. and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Moral of the Story:

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men.....are men.

[low200]

Baby's First Exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said,

"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Billishere]

Subject: Fw: The Reluctant Partygoer...

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the fancy dress party

alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she

was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his

good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he

went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke up feeling much

better and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband

didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by

watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,

cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he

could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left

his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as

far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he

finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off

they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back

seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put

the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he

would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time

he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when

you're not there." Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll

tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill

Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker

all evening."

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all

night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of

his life"!

[mesmerized]

I just thought that I would start a Funny's topic...

If you have a funny joke that you want to share then Im sure we could all use a good laugh, so heres your chance!

Ill get the ball rolling...

Q. What is Brown, has four legs and a D*ck on the middle of its back???

A. A police horse!

i heard that one differently

q. what's the only animal in the world with an asshole on it's back

a. a police horse

a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. the bear turns to the rabbit and says 'excuse me, do u have problems with shit sticking top your fur?' and the rabbit says 'no'.....so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

an oldie but goodie (sorry if that jokes already been said, there's alot of good jokes in this thread)

[Billishere]

----- Who is Jack Schitt?

JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We

find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack

Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in

an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer

Magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They

had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple

produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull

Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a

high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt

divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids

were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was

then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son

with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the

other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable

throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in

a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced

the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,

Byrd,

and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He

recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[GTR32GUS]

I just thought that I would start a Funny's topic...

If you have a funny joke that you want to share then Im sure we could all use a good laugh, so heres your chance!

Ill get the ball rolling...

Q. What is Brown, has four legs and a D*ck on the middle of its back???

A. A police horse!

i heard that one differently

q. what's the only animal in the world with an asshole on it's back

a. a police horse

a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. the bear turns to the rabbit and says 'excuse me, do u have problems with shit sticking top your fur?' and the rabbit says 'no'.....so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

an oldie but goodie (sorry if that jokes already been said, there's alot of good jokes in this thread)

If u want 2 spent a few hours in that glass box at the cop shop , get full drunk and tell a horse cop that joke , so i been told

[Ben_R32]

I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake?"

[Billishere]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud

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[Ben_R32]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the Lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young Lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

the boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[SkyGTRline]

No offence to them QBN peoples

Q. Two Qbn girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society. And Centrelink

Q. What does a Qbn girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old Qbn girl?

A. Granny.

Q. Why did the Qbn girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason

whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Qbn girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question during a Qbn quiz night?

A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Qbn kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.

Q. What's the difference between a Qbn boy and a Qbngirl?

A. A Qbn girl has a higher sperm count.

[race_snooze]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his

nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." “No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Howard.

"I'm sorry ... but we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years ---Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there ... everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!" "Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or

short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared

me for this!" The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and

caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks

miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

[race_snooze]

I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double -

a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"

[Ben_R32]

Insensitive Women

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please, Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[Ben_R32]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750."

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.

"They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now."

[race_snooze]

rofl that was a crack up love it.