Funnys!

[race_snooze]

> 5 secrets to a perfect relationship

>

> 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks,

> cleans and has a job.

>

> 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

>

> 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't

> lie.

>

> 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes

> being with you.

>

> 5. It's very, very important that these four bitches don't know

> each other.

[chrissso]

I stole this from an email.

It's what all the cool kids and emos are saying right now.

New Words for 2007

* SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, c!raps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get scre wed and die.

* CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the cra!p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

*[/b] GOING FOR A McSH!T.

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh!t with Lies.

* 404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH.

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.[/b]

* PICASSO BU M.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.

[race_snooze]

lol that was worth a copy and paste and for me to forward.

[low200]

Salad Dodger has been officially added to my vocab now

[race_snooze]

http://aaronactive.net/quotes/?latest

this is my friday funny guys

[Bullet32]

http://aaronactive.net/quotes/?latest

this is my friday funny guys

AHAHAHAHA!!! :laughing-smiley-014: :laughing-smiley-014:

Thats gold Shawn!

I almost want to trade for a Honda now!

VTECH YO!!!

[race_snooze]

yeah I could help but just sit and laugh at some of the shit in there. So had to post it.

[sloazr33]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles

and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's

a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,

"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad

says it will take the contagious."

[race_snooze]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had

A pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to

Buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a

centipede

which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box

back home, found a good location for the box and decided he would

start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The

Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from

his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and

then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But

again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a

few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him

one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's

house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The

Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

Scroll down...

A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my "bloody" shoes on."

[low200]

ROFL

[race_snooze]

>1) I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said "Thyroid

>Problem?"

>

>2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I

>realised that The son of rajab doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him

>to forgive me.

>

>3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go

>swimming.

>

>4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on

>with my real ladder.

>

>5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered

>French Toast during the Renaissance.

>

>6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.

>Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

>

>7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.

>But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my

>bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!

>From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

>

>8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why

>he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

>

>9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a

>good hand.

>

>10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

>My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be

>enough.'

>

>11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of

>meat?

>

>12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give

>the wrong answers.

>

>13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

>

>14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things

>they don't understand, such as working for a living.

>

>15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

>

>16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've

>forgotten this before

>

>PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

>

>1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

>

>2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

>

>3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your

>pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

>

>4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

>

>5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a

>fire in your back garden.

>

>6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

>

>7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

>

>8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

>

>9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the

>first given opportunity.

>

>10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way

>through and then raced against the flush.

>

>11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

>

>12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

>

>13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

>

>14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

>

>15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their

>arm broken by a swan.

>

>16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood

>specifically to stir paint with.

>

>17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a

>fruit salad.

>

>SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

>

>1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

>

>2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the

>core of the earth?

>

>3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

>

>4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

>

>5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is

>stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

>

>6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

>

>7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

>

>8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for

>centuries' have a 'use by' date?

>

>9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible

>crisp no one would eat?

>

>10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

>

>11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze

>these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

>

>12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

>

>13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't

>point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

>

>14) What do you call male ballerinas?

>

>15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

>

>16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

>

>17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

>vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

>

>18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion

>stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet

>paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

[Ben_R32]

lol, those are gold.

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then ?"

[race_snooze]

Phone rings. GREEK MOTHER picks up the phone and answers:

Greek Mother: Hello?

Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

Greek Mother: You're going out?

Daughter: Yes.

Greek Mother: With whom?

Daughter: With a friend.

Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!

Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.

Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

Greek Mother : I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

Greek Mother : What are you hinting at?

Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?

Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!

Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

Daughter: He's not a loser.

Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.

Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.

Daughter: Such a what?

Greek Mother : With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

Daughter: ENOUGH !!!

Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?

Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Daughter: Goodbye mother.

Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

[leech_]

below par shauno... i was waiting for the great finish and it never came...

[Baconer]

haha was thinking the same thing, it left me feeling empty, still funny though

[race_snooze]

sorry guys, hopefully ill find something better today for you guys

[race_snooze]

The Flight Crew

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."

I am sorry guys I have nothing today.... will try harder next week.

[race_snooze]

Note to self: 'cancel credit cards prior to death!'

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to ANZ:

Family Member:

"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

ANZ:

"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:

"Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

ANZ:

"Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member:

So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

ANZ:

"Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member:

"Do you think God will be mad at her?"

ANZ:

"Excuse me?"

Family Member:

"Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

ANZ:

"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:

"I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

ANZ:

"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:

"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

ANZ:

(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member:

"No, I'm her great nephew."

(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:

"Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member:

"Sure."

(fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ:

"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member:

"Well, if you figure it out, great!

If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

ANZ:

"Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member:

"Would you like her new billing address?"

ANZ:

"That might help."

Family Member:

"Rookwood Memorial Cemetery,

1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney

Plot Number 69."

ANZ:

"Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member:

"What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

an old one but still funny...

[leech_]

much better shauno i also could see that happening stupid banks

[race_snooze]

BRITISH HUMOUR.

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war weary Marine asked, ”Ma’am, may I have that seat?”

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”

She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!”

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”