Funnys!

[race_snooze]

Whats the most confusing day in Queanbeyan?

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Fathers day

[race_snooze]

From

IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB ... (not at home)

Beer

Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella

Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.

Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda

Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants

Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Water

Personality:Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.

Approach: Don't.

Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.

Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.

Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.

Spirits such as CC, Wild the sphincter of the universe, Southern Comfort

Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!

Approach:Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually - you're in!

Cape Velvet

Personality:Annoying voice, bit of a tart.

Approach:Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Cowboys, Aftershock etc.)

Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.

Approach:Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait......

Spirits such as JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY

Personality:Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard

Approach:Keep buying them drinks, they'll think you're a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!

IF MEN DRINK IN A PUB.. (as always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider

He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer

He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Crown Lager Beer

He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer

He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness

The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water

He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

Wine

He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy

Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port

Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky/Jack Daniels

He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jim Beam

Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila

Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc

He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

[Ben_R32]

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?"

"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes. " How's that?" he asks again more confident.

That's wonderful! What did you do?"

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

[race_snooze]

ANOTHER NOVEL THOUGHT

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. Involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic. There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,867 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. Is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion:

The U.S. Should pull out of Washington

[race_snooze]

Language warning so you youngens dont click....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA

Edited June 8, 2007 by race_snooze

[GTR32GUS]

Whats the most confusing day in Queanbeyan?

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Fathers day

GOLD

[GTR32GUS]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While

> >rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an

> >old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

> >

> >This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,

> >not the standard three.

> >

> >Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn

> >the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

> >

> >The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and Immediately

> >the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie

> >vanished.

> >

> >Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as

> >the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked

> >disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

> >

> >After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!

> >Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

> >

[SupaFly Skyline]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"

he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down)

"MY ROLEX!"

[race_snooze]

A man asked and old Indian what was his wifes name.

He replied "she is called three horse"

The man said "that is an unusual name for your wife

What does it mean?"

The old Indian answered

"its old Indian name.

it mean.................................................. nag nag nag!"

[GTR32GUS]

[yaf28f]

am I the only person in Canberra that doesn't know anything about this Todd Carney guy? all I know is that the police might of been chasing him sometime.

speaking of which, saw 3 police cars hooning off somewhere last night with sirens blazing. but idea what the story is there either.

[race_snooze]

might be a repost by me....

LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally

naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the

room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law

answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him

to

no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes

romantic

and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, Showered, put

on

her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on

the

couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so

provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[datto260Z]

hahaha, nice

Edited June 18, 2007 by datto260Z

[leech_]

hehe gold

[SkyGTRline]

Language warning so you youngens dont click....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA

This is the sequel im guessing

[race_snooze]

rofl

[GTR32GUS]

DOCTOR DAVE;

HAD SLEPT WITH ONE OF HIS PATIENTS AND FELT GUILTY ALL DAY LONG,

NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TRIED TO FORGET ABOUT IT,HE COULDN'T.

THE GUILT AND SENSE OF BETRAYAL WERE OVERWHELMING.

BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN HE'D HEAR AN INTERNAL REASSURING VOICE IN HIS

HEAD THAT SAID:"DAVE DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.YOU AIN'T THE FIRST MEDICAL PRACTITIONER

TO SLEEP WITH THEIR PATIENTS AND YOU WON'T BE THE LAST.

AND YOUR SINGLE. JUST LET IT GO"

BUT INVARIABLY ANOTHER VOICE IN HIS HEAD WOULD BRING HIM BACK TO REALTY.

WHISPERING........

DAVE......

DAVE......

.........YOU'ER A VET

[race_snooze]

> A stranger was seated next to a little girl maybe

> 12, on the airplane

> when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's

> talk. I've heard that

> flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation

> with your fellow

> passenger."

>

> The little girl, who had just opened her book,

> closed it slowly and said

> to the stranger, "What would you like to talk

> about?"

>

> Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about

> nuclear power?"

>

> "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.

> But let me ask you

> a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat

> grass, the same

> stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a

> cow turns out a flat

> patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

> Why do you suppose

> that is?"

>

> The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have

> no idea . "

>

> To which the little girl replies, "Do you really

> feel qualified to

> discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[race_snooze]

INDOOR GOLF

====== ====

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play. This Normally

consisits of one club and two balls but may vary depending on golfer.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the course

before play can begin. If consent is not given, much trouble may

follow.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and

keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course

owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play

begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club

to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary

until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in

being denied permission to play the course again.

7. Players are cautioned to select the proper hole for play.

8. It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole

immediadtely upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will

usually admire the entire course, with special attention to well

formed bunkers. He should assure himself that the hole is properly

lubricated to aid in stroking. Additional lubrication may be added to

the club if necessary preferably by the course owner.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have

played recently, or concurrently, to the current course owner. Upset

owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

10. Indoor Golf can be one of the most enjoyable and entertaining

pastimes available, if done properly and by the rules. It is hoped

that we have helped you to play more and better with these simple

rules. Bye!!!!!

[race_snooze]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times".

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times.