Funnys!

[race_snooze]

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or, Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

[Baconer]

traitor

[GeeTR]

traitor

Hahahahah

[race_snooze]

hey If its funny I just post it. No sides here.

[low200]

yeh fair call (some of em)

pretty funny.

[low200]

a quiz on marriage, answered by kids in primnary school.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age b e cause you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

And another

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[race_snooze]

Subject: FW: Stella Awards [sEC=UNCLASSIFIED]

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.

That's right these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts that happened in the U.S. during 2006.

You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratchers handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:

To kick things off the right way, there was a three-way tie for 5th

place:

* Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was Ms.

Robertson's son.

* Also in 5th place is Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California -- you knew California had to be in the list somewhere, right? -- who on $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at The wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratchers.

The last of the 5th Place winners went to Terrence Dickson, of Bristol,Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just robbed by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.

Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to subsist for eight -- count 'em, 8 -- days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching, there are more.

* Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... scratch, scratch.

* Third Place went to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after She slipped on a soft drink and broke her tail bone (coccyx). The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

Hang in there, there are only two more Stella's to go.

* Second Place: Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ....

oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

* Finally, this year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs.

Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home -- from an OU football game, no less -- having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Don't look so incredulous.

Remember, we're talking about Oklahoma here. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her -- you are sitting down, right?

-- $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might buy a motor home.

[race_snooze]

> A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole

>he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her

>and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

>

> She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me,

>so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his

>golf.

>

> On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the

>lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are

>a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked

>her.

>

> He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the

>lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let

>me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for you help." He started a

>conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was

>in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

>

> She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

>

> "No, I wouldn't," he said.

>

> She said, "I sell tampons." With that he fell on the floor

>laughing so hard.

>

> She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

>

> "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet

>paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you.

[race_snooze]

One night , after the couple had retired for

the night, the woman became aware that her husband

was touching her in a most unusual manner. He

started by running his hand across her shoulders and

the small of her back. He ran his hand over her

breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he

proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,

sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the

other side to a point below her waist. He continued

on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the

the other. His hand ran further down the outside of

her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the

inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned

to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused

and she squirmed a little to better position

herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to

his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she

whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

[S T A R 3 3]

There's been a sudden influx of humourous 911 calls.. quite humourous!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cNNNKheZ8A

[Guest]

Here's another... (audio only)

=

[SkyGTRline]

Funny sh!t right there

[race_snooze]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a

couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says,

'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,

but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says,

'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here

found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the

reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says,

'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays

and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here

get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there

and pull her up again!'

[Guest]

Living like Russians....

http://englishrussia.com/?p=1098#more-1098

[race_snooze]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"M u m", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

[Michele]

Animator vs Animation

http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077..._alanbecker.swf

[race_snooze]

Subject: NEWS FLASH!

A woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.

-

-

-

-

-

-Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

No Siemen was found.

[Baconer]

haha nice, reminds me of this video a mate of mine has/had on his phone of a girl inserting mobile phones then ringing them, it was not awesome...

[leech_]

you are both sick sick people

[Basti]

an african king is on a international relations trip to russia. after a couple of long weeks, the russian ambassador decides to show him a bit of their culture. they sample fine foods and vodka and such. however the kings says to him " this is all very generous of you but i can get all this delivered back home. show me something truly russian"

so the cossack thinks for a while and then draws his revolver. he empties all but one bullet and also produces 5 glasses of vodka. he goes on to explain to the king the rules of russian roulette, and the king, greatly impressed by this game of bravery and chance, plays a few rounds. luckily they both survive. at the end of his trip the king turns to his new friend and invites him to his country so he can repay his hospitality.

a few months later the ambassador decides to take up the offer. he arrives and is shown a magnificient time, the best that africa has to offer. on his last night there, the king turns to him and says, "i have a surprise for you". he claps his hands and six beautiful, topless girls are brought out.

he says to the russian, " your game impressed me very much. i have invented my own version to play here. i'd like to offer you the chance to test yourself"

the russian accepts and the king outlines the rules of the game. "you can pick any one of these girls. they are all highly skilled and the one you pick will give you the most amazing blowjob you have ever experienced"

the russian is now very excited but a he turns to the king and says "your majesty, you honor us with your new game but i dont think you understand. there needs to be an element of risk to the game like the bullet in the gun"

the king replies " oh but there is. one of these girls is a cannibal"

/joke soz for the crap leadup