Funnys!

[low200]

^^^

couldve said they will all give you an amazing screw but one of em has AIDS

[race_snooze]

> A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

>

> Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of

> meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

>

> The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so

> begged their dad for the clue.

>

> "Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

>

> The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f*@king @rsehole".

[race_snooze]

> >> Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip

> >> that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

> >>

> >> The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.

> >>

> >> This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are

always

> >> complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to

them.

>

[race_snooze]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "we'll give you $9000 compensation and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap It's a thousand dollars an inch."

The bloke perks up at this.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed, so it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has" says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

"We're having a new kitchen."

[race_snooze]

> >Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of

> >whiskey,

> >they talk about their moonshine operation.

> >Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to

> >cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real

> >distress.

> >One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

> >The

> >woman shakes her head no.

> >

> >

> >

> >"Kin ya breathe?"

> >The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

> >The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,

> >yanks

> >down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his

> >tongue.

> >

> >The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction

> >flies out of her mouth.

> >As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the

> >bar.

> >His partner s ays, "Yknow, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',

> >but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[race_snooze]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

[low200]

roflz

[race_snooze]

>>>>> >>A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when

a

>>>>> >>masked

>>>>> >>robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the

stomach.

>>>>> >>Luckily

>>>>> >>the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in

>>>>> >>because it

>>>>> >>was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy

>>>>>daughters

>>>>> >>and a

>>>>> >>healthy son.

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the

>>>>> >>room in

>>>>> >>tears.

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and

this

>>>>> >>bullet

>>>>> >>came out," replied the daughter.

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16

>>>>> >>years ago.

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in

>>>>> >>tears. "Mom,

>>>>> >>I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what

happened

>>>>> >>16 years

>>>>> >>ago.

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay"

>>>>> >>said the

>>>>> >>Mom, "I know what happened You were taking

>>>>>a tinkle and a bullet

>>>>> >>came out."

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the

dog."

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>

>>>>> >>I KNOW YOU SMILED

I know I know this one is not that good!!!

[race_snooze]

This one is pretty poor I know but its the first of the Monday.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a double shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he draged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of the rear of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP?!"

Edited August 26, 2007 by race_snooze

[race_snooze]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish they were married, or wish they weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

[Michele]

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living

room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and

fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch......

[race_snooze]

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

Wanda: I froze to Death.

Kelly : How horrible!

Wanda: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Kelly: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Wanda: So, what happened?

Kelly: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Wanda: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[leech_]

haha both of them are good

[race_snooze]

____Four Worms and a lesson____

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would

add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

[race_snooze]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[low200]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to

Consider this..........

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to

Continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,

But they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on

the Road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a

bill For $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so

high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly

aren't Worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate,the man

Insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that

the Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center

that were Available for the husband and wife to use.

But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here,

And you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could

Have taken in one of the shows for which The hotel is famous.

"The best Entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"

the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows,"complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what Amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't

use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees

to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"

he says,this check is only made out for $50.00."

That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for

sleeping with my wife."

But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could

have."

[race_snooze]

^^^^^^^

gold.

>>> > Subject: Nun story

>>> >

>>> >

>>> >

>>> >

>>> >

>>> > It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young

>>> > nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just

>>> > the way the old nun had instructed.

>>> >

>>> > Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's

>>> > nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and

>>> > pray.

>>> >

>>> > The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the

>>> > Saturday night bath had gone.

>>> >

>>> > "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

>>> >

>>> > "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

>>> >

>>> > "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to

>>> > wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down

>>> > between his legs where he said the son of rajab keeps the Key to Heaven."

>>> >

>>> > "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

>>> >

>>> > Sister Magdalene

>>> > continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my

>>> > lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be

>>> > assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided

>>> > his Key to Heaven into my lock."

>>> >

>>> > "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

>>> >

>>> > "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to

>>> > salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon

>>> > swell my heart with escstasy. And it did, it felt so good being

>>> > saved."

>>> >

>>> > "That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was

>>> > Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

[race_snooze]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with

straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet

he

grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by

puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the

gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the

husband suggested that she let one of her

straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he

said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the

cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

[Michele]

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

Where do I find this zoo?

[race_snooze]

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.