Funnys!

[race_snooze]

An old man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,

"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape.

Pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[race_snooze]

> > >>> A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of

> > >>> course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through

> > >>> the

> >

> > >>> window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

> > >

> > > The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have

> > > to go

> >

> > > up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy

> > >>> drive is going to cost us."

> > >>>

> > >>> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A

> > >>> warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they

> > >>> saw the damage that was done:

> > >>> glass

> > > was

> > >>> all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its

> > >>> side near the broken window.

> > >>>

> > >>> A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the

> > >>> people that broke my window?"

> > >>>

> > >>> Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband

replied.

> > >>> Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You

> > >>> see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a

> > >>> thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to

> > >>> grant three wishes.

> > >>>

> > >>> I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep

> > >>> the

> > > last

> > >>>one for myself."

> > >>>

> > >>> Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and

> > > blurted

> > >>> out, I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

> > >>>

> > >>> No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I

> > >>> can

> >do.

> > >>>

> > >>> And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young

> > >>> lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

> > >>>

> > >>> I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every

> > >>> country in the world," she said.

> > >>> Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always

> > >>> be

> > > safe

> > >>> from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

> > >>>

> > >>> And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

> > >>> Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been

> > >>> with a

> >

> > >>> woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with

> > >>> your wife!"

> > >>> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know

> > >>> we

> > > both

> > >>> now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

> > >>> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're

> > >>> right.

> > >>> Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what

> > >>> about you, honey?"

> > >>>

> > >>> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the

> > >>> same

> >

> > >>> for you!"

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>> So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the

> > >>> rest of

> > >>>

> > >>> the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>> After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over

> > >>> and

> > >>>

> > >>> looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and

> > >>> your husband?"

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>> Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>> No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old .............and

> > >>> both of you still believe in genies?"

[race_snooze]

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard

the slurred words of a drunken pilot and co-pilot:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy

Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the

flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother

with all his soul.

The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere.

But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and

Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the

runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy

looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist

fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how wide it is?"

[Guest]

I didn't get that Irish joke. can anyone explain?

[Bullet32]

Are you sure youre not Irish?

They landed on the runway going accross it, not along it, thats why its really short but really wide.

[Guest]

Are you sure youre not Irish?

They landed on the runway going accross it, not along it, thats why its really short but really wide.

I see. I couldn't imagine landing a plane across runway.

[S T A R 3 3]

AHAHAHHA!

[race_snooze]

they were drunk Irish so it makes it doublelly as bad!!! lol

I am part Irish so there is no racism here hahah

[Tarmac-]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE

RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND

LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --

that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so Are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Donnan]

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

- - silence - -

HUSBAND:

F**k

[Bullet32]

BAHAHAHHAHA!!

Thats Gold Donnan!

[race_snooze]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a

fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the

Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While

waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in

Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.

Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat

bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things

don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a

priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a

LAWYER!

[Michele]

Go to any web site that has pictures. Then go up to the address bar and replace the url address with this code:

java script:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI= document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(I=0; I<DIL; I++){DIS=DI[ I ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+I*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+I*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0)

If I copy from here it doesnt work, but if I copy from my email it works perfectly I can't see any extra spaces or breaks caused by the cut and paste... so I will have to investigate this further. I'm working on it

Okay I found it, this forum is forcing a space between java and script, what I am pasting does not have a space, even if I edit it, once I submit, this forums puts another space.

So, when you paste the link, edit the space out between java and script (first word). If you do it from this page, you will have to scroll up to see what its done, you can click the "BACK" button to get out of it.

[Terminal]

I don't get it...

[race_snooze]

the java script thing you gave doesnot work

[R32_Matt]

it does now that she edited her post

[Michele]

it does now that she edited her post

well it does if you take out the space as per my updated post (java script should be javascript) and as much as I try to edit it to not have a space, its always there after I submit LOL

[Terminal]

Awesome! I can have hours of fun with this one!

[race_snooze]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books.............

"Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:. ... cost - $29.99

Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99

Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:. .... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: ..... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: ..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: ..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: ..... Let's not go there.

Titanic: ..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: .... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: ..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: ..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton:. .... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: ..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[race_snooze]

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing

or sponsoring condoms.

They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

>>

>> * Nike Condoms: Just do it

>>

>> * Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

>>

>> * Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

>>

>> * Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

>>

>> * Optus Condoms: Yes!

>>

>> * KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good

>>

>> * M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

>>

>> * Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

>>

>> * Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

>>

>> * Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit

>>

>> * Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

>>

>> * Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in

(Tasmania only)

>>

>> * Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

>>

>> * VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

>>

>> * Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it...

>>

>> * Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

>>

>> * Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

>>

>> * Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

>>

>> * Quicken Condoms: Quicken.Easy

>>

>> The following brands would probably not sell very well....

>>

>> * Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider

>>

>> * AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

>>

>> * Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

>>

>> * Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you

>>

>> * RTA Condoms: Speed kills

>>

>> * Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

>>

>> * Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

>>

>> * Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm

>>

>> * Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you