Funnys!

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Citizenship test

Finally a version of the Citizenship test we can all relate to:

LANGUAGE

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

2. What is a mole?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS

1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

2. Complete the following sentences: a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ... b) You're going home in the back of a .... ) Fair suck of the ...

3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD

1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?

5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?

6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE

1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

3. Who would you like to crack on to?

4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

The people to be granted citizenship are the ones who call it a crock and cheat.

[Mark]

Whats worse than a Cardboard Box?

Paper tits...

[race_snooze]

A high school teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and,

>>> >trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her

>>> >class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their

>>> >hands if they are Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their

>>> >hand except one little girl.

>>> >

>>> >The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why

didn't

>>>

>>> >you raise your hand?"

>>> >

>>> >"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.

>>> >

>>> >The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs

fan,

>>>

>>> >then who are you a fan of?"

>>> >

>>> >"I'm a Raiders fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

>>> >

>>> >The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Raiders

>>> >fan?"

>>> >

>>> >"Because my mum and dad are from Canberra, and my mum is a Raiders fan

>>> >and my dad is a Raiders fan, so I'm a Raiders fan too!"

>>> >

>>> >"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone,

"that's no

>>> >reason for you to be a Raiders fan. You don't have to be just like your

>>>

>>> >parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad

>>> >was a drug addict and your brother was car thief, what would you be

>>> >then?"

>>> >

>>> >"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

[Guest]

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS ..........

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen the sphincter of the universes at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these the sphincter of the universes get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,

Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[race_snooze]

Two Aboriginals were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback one day, when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus.

One of them thinks "this is great" and heads straight for it.

As they pulled up, the driver winds his window down and says "Two cans of Emu Export thanks mate!"

The copper looks at him and says "You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me."

The driver got out of the car and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that."

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says "OK. In these cases we require you to give a blood sample".

"Nah, nah, sorry boss. Can't be doin' that. I got a letter from the

Red Cross saying I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to death. Sorry boss, can't do that," said the driver.

By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally demands a urine sample for testing.

The driver looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either."

The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that!!!"

"Bloody oath mate." says the driver, "It's from the government. Says that you whites can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more."

[race_snooze]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing five dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless c**ts at Bunnings ever bring us the f *cking plasterboard."

[race_snooze]

Fw: Beer Scooters

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night

drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'

As hard as you try, you can't piece together your return journey from the

pub, or that party, to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the

drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of liquor. Bacchus has acquired a large

batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness at this point the

"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his

many sub-contractors will detect this pheromone and send down a magical

Beer Scooter .

The scooter scoops up the passenger, and deposits them in their bedroom

via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large

portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This

answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much

money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are said to be

responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries (UDI).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time

segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates

that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third

question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing

Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,

those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is

not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained

in discussions and comparisons over a future period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the

scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to

the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a

scooter drive-thru food chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza

crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from

other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots

are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the

stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity

springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house , and the CTSGS

(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS

(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently

get through 260 Camel No Filters in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get

home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[race_snooze]

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration. 'Thanks' the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little Partner,' the fireman said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.' The girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Tarmac-]

Top Gear quotes from Jeremy Clarkson :

I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've

got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish

really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT.

Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of

jelly."

[About Porsche Cayman S] "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a

sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

"America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: " There is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".

Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"

Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

" The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got

syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road,

some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

"If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"

"Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the bloke's a bit dodgy"

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban

prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show... so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 lbs and

that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000.

The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"

Hammond: "THAT bad is it?"

Clarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their

customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:

Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"

Hammond: "I had a lot on - I was doing 288 mph."

Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a

lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well- behaved... for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can

be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap-dance.

She's a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..." Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a

President.

On the Porsche Cayenne "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[race_snooze]

Subject: New Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[race_snooze]

Psycho Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the

bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

No one has gotten it right-including me.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she

did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she

believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but

never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she

killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

(Give this some thought before you answer).

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>>>> Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral

>>>> again.

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>>>> If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

>>>> This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one

>>>>has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took

>>>>part

>>>>in the test and answered the question correctly.

>>>>

>>>> If you didn't answer the question correctly good for you. If you got

>>>>the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email

>>>>list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you

>>>>from now on.

>>>>

>>>> Be sure to share the test!

[Michele]

^^^ I said her sister must have been a b!tch... do I pass?

[S04R3R]

I thought the guy was the sisters friend or something :S

[race_snooze]

well I though her sister was sleeping with the guy.

[race_snooze]

> Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door

> neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

>

> Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".

> He goes downstairs.

>

> Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is

> still

> barking. What have you been doing?"

>

> Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it!"

[R3sp3ct]

^^^LOL

[race_snooze]

Satan vists the church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

[race_snooze]

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

[race_snooze]

A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black.”

A second little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.”

“Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, “Does a fart have lumps?”

The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course not!!!”

“OK…then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!”

[race_snooze]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the

electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed

and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the

plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his

friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”