Funnys!

[race_snooze]

Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

[race_snooze]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk

standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

The lady was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the

derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six

items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections

that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely

right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,

"Cause you're ugly."

[race_snooze]

A man was in a long line at his local Woolworths store, when he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the

checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter,

grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large

condoms, Checkout 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,

was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the

checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she

could

have some brought to the checkout for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the

intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live

female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he

said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She

reached over the counter, gave him a long, gentle squeeze then picked

up

the intercom and

said....................................

(you'll love this one so keep scrolling..................)

'Mop and bucket to

checkout 5'

[Basti]

lulz

[race_snooze]

I try!!!!!

[race_snooze]

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle

ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says,

"Beat it: You are washed up

and I am taking over."

The old rooster says,

"I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.

"You know you don't stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair,

I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch

when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squalking

and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

- BOOM -

he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Dammit.....

third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -

age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery

always overcome youth and arrogance!

[R3sp3ct]

BLONDE LOGIC.

Two blondes living in Townsville Queensland were sitting on a bench talking...... And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Melbourne or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can You see Melbourne ...?????"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched Made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the Moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the Sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

[race_snooze]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?' The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[race_snooze]

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!

One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy,

bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly

proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she

needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks;

"Do you have a motorcycle?"The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man

in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4

packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the

evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama.

Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've

been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it.

[LTSJayce]

Having worked in spares + accessories, I can appreciate this more than most...

A woman called an auto parts store and

asked for a 28-ounce water pump.

"What?" asked the confused parts guy.

She said, "My husband says he needs a

28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car

does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy wrote down her request,

a light went on in his head.

"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water

pumps. We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce

pumps."

"Finally," she said. "You're the first

place I've called that knew what I was

talking about."

"Yes ma'am," he said, smiling, as he

jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."

[TiTAN]

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/v...Guitar-Hero-III

[Bullet32]

LOL, Thats a laugh... And SOOO true.

[LTSJayce]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '

Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

[LTSJayce]

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/v...Guitar-Hero-III

Very funny, agreed!

[Black Widow]

I don't know if it'll be allowed or not. i don't want to offend anyone...its an aboriginal joke

[LTSJayce]

I don't know if it'll be allowed or not. i don't want to offend anyone...its an aboriginal joke

Make it as 'tasteful' as you can, run it by some of your more sensitive workmates, and if it doesn't cause too much of a stir, give it a whirl!

[Black Widow]

Make it as 'tasteful' as you can, run it by some of your more sensitive workmates, and if it doesn't cause too much of a stir, give it a whirl!

i better not then

[datto260Z]

Having worked in spares + accessories, I can appreciate this more than most...

A woman called an auto parts store and

asked for a 28-ounce water pump.

"What?" asked the confused parts guy.

She said, "My husband says he needs a

28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car

does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy wrote down her request,

a light went on in his head.

"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water

pumps. We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce

pumps."

"Finally," she said. "You're the first

place I've called that knew what I was

talking about."

"Yes ma'am," he said, smiling, as he

jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."

lol, i get it

[LTSJayce]

Useful to know if you don't already know what each is.

Explanation of Common Tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, "YEOWW CRAPP...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes

until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal

your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction

of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after

you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward

off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known

drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible

future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops

to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a

drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"

which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits

aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about

the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,

the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark

than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on

your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and

instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Home owners primarily use it

to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well

on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,

collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,

the next tool that you will need.

[Tarmac-]

That is gold Jayce!