Funnys!

[SupaFly Skyline]

I can relate to so many of those its not funny, especially

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

Still got the scar under the skin from a Plier induced blood blister, one of my favs

[LTSJayce]

That is gold Jayce!

[race_snooze]

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Dick Smith has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

You have my birth date on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight bloody passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my frigging' address. What is going on?

You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another frigging' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the frigging' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture -- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile in?! Frigging' morons!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate Frigging' Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1770 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Pommies.

I have served in the military for something over 25 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the Lieutenant Governor of our State for ten years, and I have been doing volunteer work for the CMF for about five years.

However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FRIGGING' CHINA!!!

[race_snooze]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,

her

thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the son of rajab appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why

are

you crying?'

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water

And that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for

their

family.

The son of rajab dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble

set

with sapphires.

[]

'Is this your thimble?' the son of rajab asked .

The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The son of rajab again dipped into the river.

He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

[]

'Is this your thimble?' the son of rajab asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The son of rajab reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

[]

'Is this your thimble ?' the son of rajab asked.

The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The son of rajab was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three

thimbles to keep,

And the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along

the

riverbank,

And her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the son of rajab again appeared and asked her, 'Why are

you

crying?'

'Oh son of rajab, my husband has fallen into the river!'

[]

The son of rajab went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the son of rajab asked.

[]

'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The son of rajab was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my son of rajab. It is a

misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up

with

Brad Pitt.

[]

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

son of rajab, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care

of

all three husbands,

So THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the son of rajab let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in

the

best interest of others.

[race_snooze]

> AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

>

> 1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water

> down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

>

> 2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone

> else to hold them while you chop.

>

> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by

> using the sink.

>

> 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed

> for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember

> to use a timer.

>

> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you

> from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze

> button.

>

> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then

> you'll be afraid to cough.

>

> 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it

> doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does,

> use the duct tape.

>

>

> 8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

>

>

> Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR

> ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE

> STAIRS

>

>

> If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem

[race_snooze]

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,

COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS

THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T

WANT TO FIX STEPS

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A

COUPLE OF HOURS..........

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES

THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE

HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME

WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER

GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,

SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO..

DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN

ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

[race_snooze]

A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, "Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it's time I made a confession ..............

Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says "My love, you've been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our se x life a bit!"

She said, "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Parramatta."

[race_snooze]

THE HUMAN BODY

You really ought to know this. The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

-A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test...now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well.

[race_snooze]

The three Dolls in a man's life are:

1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'

2........His Girlfriend, 'Barbie doll'

3........His Wife, 'Panadol '.

[LTSJayce]

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[race_snooze]

Dy- No- Mi -Te

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have.'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have. The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He Catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.'

LIFE IS PRECIOUS, LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST, Live, Love, laugh!

[race_snooze]

YOU WILL LOVE THIS!

This is good !!!!

36

have been accused of spousal abuse

7

have been arrested for fraud

19

have been accused of writing bad cheques

117

have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3

have done time for assault

71,

repeat

71

cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14

have been arrested on drug-related charges

8

have been arrested for shoplifting

21

currently

are defendants in lawsuits and

84

have been arrested for drunk driving

in

the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? AFL? NRL?

Give up yet? . . ..

Scroll down

Neither,

it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year,designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[race_snooze]

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me” replied the Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit"

[race_snooze]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.... and WON!

(Stay with me now.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling

and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY'RE NUTS

[Basti]

BAHAHAHAHAHA. hell of a backfire

[nerm]

BAHAHAHAHAHA. hell of a backfire

lol.. fire

[Basti]

BAHAHAHAHAHA. hell of a backfire

lol.. fire

pun unintended

[race_snooze]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

[race_snooze]

Office Pranks

ONE-POINT DARES

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears

and grimace.

3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,

"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

5. While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors

open.

6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and

pretend it wasn't you.

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected

sigh.

10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with

double-barrelled fingers.

2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the

nozzle.

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got

over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit,

it's happened again!". Then do it again.

7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then

wink and pout.

8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any

pornography web sites.

FIVE-POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to

conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you

actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with

growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a

number two".

5 . After every sentence, say 'Man' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As

in: "The report's on your desk, Man." Keep this up for one hour.

6 . In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and

mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

7 . At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my

witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

8 . Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:" Do

you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

9 . During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the

door.

10 . As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

[R3sp3ct]

^^^rofl....good read before bed lol