Funnys!

[NISMØ]

One I heard today ><

What do you call a person of black complexion with a toy stuck up his ass?

A Kinder Surprise!

[nerm]

The Movie Encyclopedia

There are some things in life that you would never know if it weren't for Hollywood.

Without The Movies you wouldn't know this:

** During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

** When they are alone, all people from a foreign country prefer to speak English to each other.

** If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

** All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

** The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

** All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

** It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

** The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in

there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

** Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

** The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

** All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

** If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any

before now.

** You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture

of your sweetheart back home.

** Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language -

a German accent will do.

** If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

** A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his

wounds.

** When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

** Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Edited January 19, 2009 by Ex!$t3nZ

[Tuk Tuk]

Brave man jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it !

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you piss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your di*k.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Michele]

Man goes to doctor with a hearing problem.

Doctor says can you describe the symptoms?

Man says Homers a fat b@st@rd and Marge has blue hair

[Sinista32]

Bahahahaha - love the simple ones'

Mother superior speaking to all the nuns after prayer.

"I have heard that there is a case of ghonarhea in the convent"

The old nun up the back responds

"Thank god I'm sick of the Chardonay"

Sorry if it's been posted b4

[LTSJayce]

The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of originations, they can be eye openers as to the mentality of those engaged in the drill...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there..

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

=2 0 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the C ircus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I fini shed.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[race_snooze]

You have to Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'son of rajab take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

ababab

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

ababab

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column 20 that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

ababab

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good son of rajab! He's done it again!'

ababab

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

ababab

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[race_snooze]

I thought you may like some British humour for a change!

.

No offense meant !

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity.

[proengines]

A horse walks in and sits down at the bar. The Bartender looks at the horse and says "Why the long face?". The horse replies "I just found out I have cancer".

[race_snooze]

????^^^

[Sir Lord Van Von Vader'ham]

hehehehehe

[Sinista32]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at a Sydney Univerty in had to give a lecture to mediacal student on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions". Knowing that it was a boring lecture the Professor decided to spice it up a little.

He looked around the room and pointed at a young looking woman in the front of the room and Said.

"Do you know what your arsehole is doing while your having an Orgasam?"

She replied "He's probably out fishing with his mates!!"

Apparently it took 45 minutes to retain order in the class

[Sinista32]

Pellsing is letting me down

[Sinista32]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at a Sydney University had to give a lecture to medical students on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions". Knowing that it was a boring lecture the Professor decided to spice it up a little.

He looked around the room and pointed at a young looking woman in the front of the room and Said.

"Do you know what your arsehole is doing while your having an Orgasam?"

She replied "He's probably out fishing with his mates!!"

Apparently it took 45 minutes to retain order in the class

[LTSJayce]

Deep thoughts for those who take life way too seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like......night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what

happened.

18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of

jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

[race_snooze]

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the

third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and

promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that

was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone

agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said

'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a

10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without

spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can

your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said....

'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.............

Crapped on the paper....................

Screwed the other three cats........

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.................

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.

Put in for Workers Compensation........and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..............!!!!!!!!!!

[Randon_I_Am]

A lady went to the Doctor to get a check up on her pregnancy... the doctor does his tests and comes back saying I've got Good news and Bad news

The Lady replies "Oh No, lets start with the Bad news..."

The Doctor Says "Unfortunatly We have discovered that your baby is a wranger...)

Horrified the Lady asks what the Good news is...

"It's Dead" the Doctor Answers

[LTSJayce]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

[Sinista32]

This ad Was Posted to the Personals:

*To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 27-08-09, 1:43 A M EST* .

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnies, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ..... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of

these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours

[lachlanw]

asian fella is driving crappy car across the auckland harbour bridge on way to work at his foor store . the boot on the car flies open and all the coconuts he has in there fall out all over the road . cant stop on the harbour bridge so he carrys on and does a u turn comes back up the bridge . when he gets back there is a mk3 zephyr parked there and a big maori with a hammer smashing all the coconuts . asian "oi why you smash coconuts" maori replys "you gotta kill them before they hatch"