Funnys!

[Sinista32]

One I heard today

How did we end up in Lebanon ?

Shoosh Nan were in Bankstown!

[Sinista32]

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is

even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at

work think of this guy…

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He

performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was

sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad

day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share

my dilemma with you, to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few

technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.

I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water

is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered

industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out

of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down

to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now

this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it

several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and

start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So,

of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I

realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish

and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the

jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as

fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding

the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of

my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the

fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three

agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I

could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running

down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as

soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass

was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse

it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to

yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May

you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!

~Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

[Trozzle]

Epic, would hope it's true too hahahaha

[Sir Lord Van Von Vader'ham]

lol jelly butt

[Sinista32]

Kunce

[Trozzle]

blast from the past

[Sinista32]

Public school teacher arrested today at Tullamarine International Airport

A Public school teacher was arrested today at Tullamarine International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Nicola Roxon said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Gillard said, "If Darwin had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Government aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Prime Minister. It is believed that a Nobel Prize will follow.

[Got a Pulsar]

Kinda reminds me of this :

How did the Mathematician overcome his Constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

[Sinista32]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

:rofl2: :rofl2:

(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

[Anfanee]

LOL

[Trozzle]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

:rofl2: :rofl2:

(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

Reminiscing of your younger years are we Richard?

[Sinista32]

Aww Cmon, don't brake me back over it

[Sinista32]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved

forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and

forth...back and forth... in and out....in and out

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her

breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near

to the end.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she

moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally,

totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f#&%ing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

[Anfanee]

rofl

[Got a Pulsar]

Actually heard that one ^^^ on the radio the other day.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A : 2 but the real question is, how did they get in the light bulb in the first place.

Q: What do you call a man with 100 rabbits up his arse?

A : Warren.

John lost his eye in an unfortunate accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood, But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Dave came over and forced him to go out. "There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?"

"All right," said John, "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving."

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. After a while he noticed a woman standing alone in the corner.

She was very attractive, but there was something different about her that John couldn't quite put his finger on.

A short time later, it dawned on him that her mouth was actually vertical instead of horizontal.

"Poor girl," thought John to himself. "She's worse off than me."

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. He introduced himself and they struck up a conversation.

The girl's name was Cecelia and the two of them sat and chatted for a good half hour or so over a couple of drinks.

Now feeling quite relaxed and alot less self-concious, John thought, "Wow, she really is lovely, maybe I should ask her to dance."

Taking one last sip of his drink, John took a deep breath and ask Cecelia if she would like to get up and Dance.

Very excited by the idea, Cecelia replied, "Oh would I?!"

To which John angrily replied, "You can f**kin' talk Kunt Lips!!!"

[Sinista32]

[luke gtr]

How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

at least 3.....

[Sinista32]

Bit of Monday FUnday humour for all you sad sacks stuck at work like me

[Anfanee]

Made me laugh pretty hard.

[Sinista32]

AWESOME - GOLD!!