Funnys!

[Reese69]

an eldery lady was talkin to her friend and asked how do i get my husband interested in me again - the friedn said after a shower lay in bed naked and pull you legs over your head - he will get the idea -

she went home and that night after her shower she layed into bed and layed naked with her legs over her head - just before her husband walked out she lost her balance and fell out of bed -

husband walks out - gees mavis put ya teeth in comb ya hair ya look like an ass hole -

[THE34T]

Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

V

V

V

he's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

[THE34T]

Not very P.C. ... so if you're easily offended better not look

Ok, so now that everyone is looking, hope you all enjoy .. see below ..

____ ____ ____

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Fred woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

[Got a Pulsar]

An eskimo pushes his brokendown snowmobile into the dealer's workshop.

The mechanic lifts the seat, looks at the engine, looks at the eskimo and says

"It looks like you've blown a seal"

To which the eskimo responds

"No, it's just the frost on my beard!"

[THE34T]

World Cup refund
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[dontyellpl0x]

I saw that joke somewhere haha! Love it!

Good to see you're still around Bill!

[THE34T]

Thanks Chris, thanks also for the note .. -B..

[Got a Pulsar]

(Heard this on the radio)

2 old mates fishing in a river near a bridge.

As a Hearse and 2 Funeral cars slowly pass over the bridge, one of the men quietly stands up, takes off his hat and bows his head.

After they pass, he puts his hat back on, sits down and continues fishing.

His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that is the nicest, most respectful thing I have ever seen you do!" to which Dave replies...

"Well we were married for Twenty Years!"

[Sinista32]

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD

good one Rob

[MBS206]

An eskimo pushes his brokendown snowmobile into the dealer's workshop.

The mechanic lifts the seat, looks at the engine, looks at the eskimo and says

"It looks like you've blown a seal"

To which the eskimo responds

"No, it's just the frost on my beard!"

The other version to this is:

An eskimo is touring New Zealand when his rental car breaks down. He pulls into a service station where the attendant looks the car over and exlaims "It looks like you've blown a seal" to which the eskimo responds "Yeah, well at least I didn't f**k a sheep!"

[Sinista32]

2 in a row

[THE34T]

(Heard this on the radio)

2 old mates fishing in a river near a bridge.

As a Hearse and 2 Funeral cars slowly pass over the bridge, one of the men quietly stands up, takes off his hat and bows his head.

After they pass, he puts his hat back on, sits down and continues fishing.

His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that is the nicest, most respectful thing I have ever seen you do!" to which Dave replies...

"Well we were married for Twenty Years!"

Haha .. I can sooo relate to that,

Well not really I've never been married for that long but the 'dead' part has been in many of my dreams!!

[Sinista32]

last name Bayden-Clay by any chance ?

[THE34T]

LOL point taken ...

[Sinista32]

I asked Karma to help my Ex - still waiting but I remain positive

she left just prior to a Tsunami so timing was out a lil

[THE34T]

Yeah timing is everything, I once worked hard on studying bus time tables, international flight landing times drag race meeting dates but she refused to use public transport, wouldn't consider airport coffee and had a social prejudice against bogans so sadly my efforts with respect to well thought out timing were lost.

Perhaps Karma, never thought of that!!

[R34_luvr]

Not sure if memes apply

[Sinista32]

A baby seal walks into a bar. ”What can I get you?” asks the bartender. ”Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.

[THE34T]

A baby seal walks into a bar. ”What can I get you?” asks the bartender. ”Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.

[R34_luvr]