Funnys!

[race_snooze]

I am blonde so I can get away with it....

[race_snooze]

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>>Now don't overdo it.

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>>Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme!

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>>SCROLL DOWN.............

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>>NOW SCROLL UP..

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>>That's enough for the first day. Great job.

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>>Have a glass of wine!

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[R3sp3ct]

LOL get f**ked.....that was harlarious!!!

[race_snooze]

Subject: FW: Three old ladies

Three elderly ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a

park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from

across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and

opened his trench coat.

Nellie immediately had a stroke.

Then Betty also had a stroke.

But Patsy, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

Bless her heart

[GTR32GUS]

[race_snooze]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that

there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[race_snooze]

Are you having a bad day ?

Well, then, consider this..............

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their Medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do

with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the

deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books; and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill In Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

#3 Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly

current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending cops to a slaughterhouse inBonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand cops broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.

It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There are we feeling better now ???

[race_snooze]

>> > TWO BLONDE GENIES

>> >

>> > A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp

>> >partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a

>> >rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted

>> >three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies

>> >disappear.

>> >

>> > The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion,

>> >surrounded by 50 beautiful lovers. He makes love to all of them and

>> >begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under

>> >his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

>> >

>> > Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there

>> >are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him

>> >outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him

>> >by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they

>> >remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

>> >

>> > One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first

>> >wish having all these beautiful lovers in a big mansion to make love

>> >to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why

>> >he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[race_snooze]

Aussie Barbecue Season

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the

etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the

man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the

situation.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:

10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing

some women...

[race_snooze]

An Australian guy is travelling around the GreekIslands.He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia.

"Melbourne", he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

[leech_]

Bahaha gold

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

[race_snooze]

I am going to run out of stuff one day...

[R3sp3ct]

You better not! you keep me going through the day

[race_snooze]

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on

her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any

idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care

what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor

says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 53-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[race_snooze]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over A pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking Him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.

"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've Had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.

Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 Years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

[SKYLVIA]

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN CANBERRA

1. Indicators will give away your next move. A real Canberra driver

never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you

and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space,

putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of

getting hit.

4. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that

your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake

pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch

your legs.

5. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and

apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

6. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even

someone changing a tyre.

7. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD

drivers.

8. Learn to swerve abruptly. Canberra is the home of High-Speed Slalom

Driving thanks to the Urban services, which puts potholes in key

locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes, not

forgetting the 'Test your skill' chicanes in suburbs.

9. It is traditional in Canberra to honk your horn at cars that don't

move the instant the light changes.

10. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left

before proceeding.

11. Remember that the goal of every Canberra driver is to get there

first, by whatever means necessary.

12. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously

listed rules. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.

13. There is a commonly held belief in Canberra that high-speed

tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked

along in the slipstream of the car in front.

14. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses

because, hell - they have brakes.

15. While using Canberra roundabouts, particularly two lane roundabouts,

ENSURE that you are in the left lane to turn right, or the right to turn

left, hell lets keep those people in those other lanes on their toes.

16. If you are an Action bus driver, you must win at all costs, getting

to your destination prior to any other driver is life and death. Never

worry about your passengers bouncing round in the back like tennis

balls, hell it's a cheap form of theme park, in fact Canberra's very

own.

17. Canberra Cabs, see rule 16, except you are now qualifying for the

GMC 400.

18. Pedestrian crossings... What are they?

19. Public servants have no road rules.

20. If you are a cyclist, remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger

than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane

for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!

[race_snooze]

Jamaican Kinder Surprise

[LTSJayce]

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

[race_snooze]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[race_snooze]

SMART WIFE

A man called home to his wife and said: "Honey I have been asked to go fishing over in Ireland with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

This is good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and put out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I'll drop by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some trout, and a few carp. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer........

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The wife replied, " I did. They're in your fishing box..."