Funnys!

[race_snooze]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDAND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT -Don't mess with old people!!

[race_snooze]

Daddy's

car in the woods?

Little

Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go

into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane

in a passionate embrace.

Little

Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as

he

ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the

playground

and

I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to

look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her

take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his

pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At

this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such

an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper

time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it

tonight.'

At

the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his

story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I

saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to

look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take

off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and

Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy

fainted!

Moral:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole

story

before you interrupt!

[Michele]

Snooooooze !!! wassup???? you're letting the team down... Funnies got to page two, we count on you to keep it in the forefront

[tm_r33]

Q: What do pooftes and bungie jumpers have in common

A: If the rubber breaks they're in deep shit

Big hotel block, 2 poofs are staying in room 103 and 2 lesbians are staying in room 104. in the middle of the night there is a fire...

Q: Who gets out first?

A: the poofers, they packed their shit the night before

Q: what were the poofs doin in the phone box

A: ringing each other

[race_snooze]

Sorry guys things have been a bit slow of late. Here is one for the girls

Snooooooze !!! wassup???? you're letting the team down... Funnies got to page two, we count on you to keep it in the forefront

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the

feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine

('el computador'), because:

1 In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4 As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[madbung]

Ok..ok..ok...When it comes to defensive driving who has the "widest" car in Australian motorsport?

Girth Tandem.......

Edited May 12, 2008 by madbung

[race_snooze]

Subject:THAI BRIDE

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."

[race_snooze]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached Her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they Made love, for more than 30 years, With him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes And other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was Unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been Earning,and therefore,they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits And interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she Showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank Which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades She had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had Multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million,her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

[race_snooze]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[race_snooze]

*** Marriage Counselling ***

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.........Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[Tarmac-]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on - don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

[Beccie]

well i have a few, mostly blonde ones because they are always aimed at me

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

A blondes year

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked the sphincter of the universe for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

[race_snooze]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when

his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[nerm]

When a woman wears a leather dress,

A man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,

he goes weak at the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wondered why?

.....Because she smells like a new car.

[race_snooze]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking

drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was

already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he

found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are

you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much

to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got

to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his

house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking

around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling

welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,

'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling

inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never

laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops

out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him

and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood

for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that

ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[TiTAN]

Centrelink OfficeConversation

A bogan walked into the centerlink office, marched straight up to the counter

and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur

and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and

you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is

$200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said,'You're bullshittin' me!'

The Centerlink worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.'

[race_snooze]

WOMAN'S DIARY

Saturday 3rd May 2008

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late

meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere

quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went

somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed

and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was

saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and

turned the television on.

After about ten ! minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs

to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him

deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my

surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's

found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY

Saturday 3rd May 2008

Parramatta lost.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.

[race_snooze]

Darwin Awards...

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,'

accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.

Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.

Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at

2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.

Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Sh*t happens'

[race_snooze]

Subject: Did anybody see me

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'. The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my wife caught a glimpse....'

Edited June 30, 2008 by race_snooze

[race_snooze]

Be warned these are BAD TASTE jokes.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'

The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard!'

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why are women like clouds? eventually they piss off and its a really nice day

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big frigging big red mark on her forehead.

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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over and told her it was shit.

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Zelbo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's bloody hilarious....

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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad minton.

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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so bloody lucky... Mine's still alive...'

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; 'Piss off, you won't bring it back.'

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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'

'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'