LTSJayce Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 A scientist, who was successful in cloning himself, was asked to speak at a national scientific convention of cloning. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and he proceeded to the podium, while the clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out,"He's an asshole!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone,"Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again,"My fellow scientists ..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ass couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent son-of-a-bitch!" Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him. and threw him out of the window. A short while later the police arrived and were told of the events that had transpired. The police chief thought about it for a while, and finally said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The shocked scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged. We are holding you for making an obscene clone fall ..." Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1829205 Share on other sites More sharing options...
race_snooze Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 List of possible slogans promoting National Condom Week 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you go into heat, package your meat 13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis 14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection will protect your erection 19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil 20. A crank with armor will never harm her 21. No glove, no love! Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1860056 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinista32 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 A real eye opener http://tinyurl.com/c2f3b Soz if you have seen it before, but worth a second look... Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1873892 Share on other sites More sharing options...
race_snooze Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 lol @ sin Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1876008 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus- Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 ahh i remember seeing a pic like that and it was on another forum with about 60 pages worth of photoshopping...classic as Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1878419 Share on other sites More sharing options...
race_snooze Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 The American Government funded a study to see why the head >>of a >> >>> > > > > man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year >> >>> > > > > and $180,000, >> >>>they concluded that the reason that the head was >> >>> > > > > larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure >>during >> >>>sex. >> >>> > > > > >> >>> > > > > >> >>> > > > > >> >>> > > > > After the US published the study, the French decided to do >>their >> >>> > > > > own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they >> >>>concluded >> >>> > > > > that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to >> >>> > > > > give the woman more pleasure during sex. >> >>> > > > > >> >>> > > > > >> >>> > > > > >> >>> > > > > Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted >>their >> >>>own >> >>> > > > > study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 >>cases >> >>> > > > > of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand >> >>> > > > > from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead. Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1883362 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinista32 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Thats GOLD but did you have to knock the OZ as the wanker... Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1883547 Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKYLVIA Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 lol, good on snooze, also i like the jamaican one very funny, makes me wanna go out and get a bike .... Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1883737 Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKYLVIA Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 P.S. they took my little stick man away. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! *sits in corner and crys with bottle of vodka...* Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1883747 Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTR32 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 how do we know that beer contains oestrogen? (that's a female hormone by the way). because after 12 beers most blokes can't drive for sh*t. Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1885086 Share on other sites More sharing options...
race_snooze Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay." Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1927630 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sinista32 Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 While were telling religious ones Mother Superior and the new Sister were up in the dark actic of the convent when the new sister yells out "Where's the candle" and Mother Superior shouts back " Yes it does doesnt it" Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1928747 Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupaFly Skyline Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Heres to the girl with the little red shoes, she likes to party, she likes to booze, she lost her cherry, but thats no sin, she still has the little box it came in. Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1934284 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slide Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1942300 Share on other sites More sharing options...
race_snooze Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 >>A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event >>hosted >>by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely >>young, >>idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the >>Sergeant Major >>for conversation. >> >>"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. >>Is something bothering you?" >> >>"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." >> >> >>"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It >>looks >>like you have seen a lot of action." >> >>"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." >> >>The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, >>"You >>know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." >> >>The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. >> >>Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this >>the >>wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" >>"1955, ma'am." >> >>"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking >>everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his >>hand >>and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him >>several >>times. >> >>Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest >>and said, >>"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" >> >>The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his >>matter-of-fact >>voice, >>"I hope not, it's only 2130 now." Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1947319 Share on other sites More sharing options...
race_snooze Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 THE GOLFERS Playing the front nine of a complicated golf course, the man became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew the hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th hole; you are a hole behind me so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off his stool. Irritated she said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!" Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1950280 Share on other sites More sharing options...
race_snooze Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid." Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1950307 Share on other sites More sharing options...
race_snooze Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 >>>Apples and Wine >> >>Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the >>tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are >>afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the >>apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. >>The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in >>reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to >>come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the >>top > >>of the tree. >> >>Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's >>up > >>to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something >>acceptable to have dinner with. Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1957577 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terminal Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face.) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - - - silence - - HUSBAND: F**k! Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1959741 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus- Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 LMAO thats great Link to comment https://www.sau.com.au/forums/topic/93585-funnys/page/8/#findComment-1960422 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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